LauraRN's Journal

I worked the last two days and took a flexeril last night for my feet, they hurt so bad I could hardly walk. Well, between work and the flexeril, I basically slept until 6 pm tonight. Which means now it's WAY past bedtime and I am awake. Actually I'm sleepy but can't sleep cause I slept all day. Sometimes I am such a dumbass.

Poor Sid. He has finally, after 7 years, accepted the fact that I am a hopeless slob. And since he is working from home now, and making less than half of what he was about 2 years ago, he has decided that if I will simply keep up with the laundry, he will take care of the rest of the house. Then he wanted to know if that was okay with me! As if I would complain. I actually think it's pretty fair really. He pretty much gets to do what he wants when he wants.

I worked last night for 4 hours, turned into five as it was so busy. We are completely full now and I had more patients than I ever had before. My admission was a man with metastatic cancer who had a UTI and was up every 10 minutes to the bedside commode. Thing is, he's so weak from the cancer that he needs help every time. The nursing assistant was pretty nasty to him and I finally gave in and called the doc for a foley. Between the nasty aide and him not waiting for help and possibly falling, it seemed the thing to do. He really didn't want it, but I tried to make him understand this was the only way he would be able to get any sleep. He was in at the end of July and the difference between then and now is noticeable. He is so much weaker now. Before he was able to walk to the bathroom alone. Now he can't even get out of bed without help. I hate cancer. Even the name sounds evil. And his whiney roommate was complaining he couldn't sleep with us coming in and out of the room. WELL YOU ARE YOUNG AND DON'T HAVE END STAGE CANCER AND YOU ARE GETTING HUGE AMOUNTS OF DILAUDID EVERY TWO HOURS WHETHER YOU NEED IT OR NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A GODDAMNED CLOCK WATCHER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SELFISH PRICK. Of course, I never said that to him, because god forbid you treat a patient in any way but royalty, but I sure as hell was too busy to give him his dilaudid every 2 hours and didn't waste a minute worrying about it. I know I am not able to judge another person's pain, and I have had severe pain before that was not taken seriously, but when a patient tells me his pain is 8 out of 10, but he's on the phone laughing and talking with his wife, I am just a LITTLE skeptical. And I know I am already going to nurse hell, so a little skepticism won't change too much.

Time to go do laundry I suppose. *sigh*

I have SO much to do today and am feeling really lazy. I need to do laundry, clean bathroom and kitchen and floors. I have been up for hours and have done nothing. I feel pretty bitchy today too and Tommy, who is my angel boy, is really getting on my nerves. That's how I know it's me, cause usually he can do no wrong. ;) Sid took him out to register him for school, so at least I get a little break. Maybe if I take a nap I won't feel so BLAH.

I wonder if part of my energy level is my weight. If I can lose weight, I'm sure I would feel more energetic and want to be more active. It's so damn hard to lose weight with PCOS though. It just sticks to me like glue. If I was rich I'd do Herbalife again. That stuff is awesome.

Damn dogs woke me up before 0730 this am. Why they don't wake anyone else up, I don't know. I guess they know I'm the only one who will pay any attention to them. So, here I am at 0800 in the morning and I can't even have any coffee yet cause there is NO sugar in the house! Bleh. I was all excited cause I have creamer, but too bad, no sugar.

The last two days at work were CRAZY. Constant running, we were almost completely full both mornings, patients are SICK and need lots of care, and of course we are working short. Surprise surprise. Yesterday we had TONS of discharges, which can be as bad as admissions. Some days I can get every IV I try, then others, like yesterday, I can't hit the side of a barn. I did put an NG in, so that was good. I love doing that, it wasn't even my patient but all my coworkers know I like it.

I saw some strange things at work yesterday. One woman, the one I put the NG in, apparently had vaginal cancer and had surgery and some kind of radiation about 2 weeks ago. Her vagina was MACERATED, I've never seen anything like it. And we were supposed to put a foley in. Yeah, uh-huh, she had about 4 holes down there, nothing was recognizable, and it just didn't work. Poor dear, I felt so bad for her. I walked in to help, no one warned me what she looked like, and I KNOW it showed on my face, even if just for a second. This lady was SO sick with an ileus though, that I am hoping she either won't remember or didn't notice in the first place.

My admission came from her doc's office with CT reports that said ALL of her colon was on the left side. We were trying to figure out how that happened. I wondered about a night of really wild sex. Well, the surgeon said it was just a malrotation that she had been born with and the problem was diverticulitis. Okay, well that's no big deal. I will say that I am handing out IV Dilaudid like it is candy these days. Demerol seems to mostly be a thing of the past.

Today I have to go visit my mother in rehab. Yippee. Can't wait. Luckily my brother is coming down with his kids so the children will be most of the focus. I won't have to talk too much. My sister in law is coming too, so I can talk to her.

Doggies want out again.

Today I am having the son of one of my coworkers come over and give me an estimate on the lawn. Cause I do NOT want to do that anymore.

Sid left to go work the "Candidate's Booth" at the county fair and I got a burr up my ass and decided to mow the lawn. Well, that isn't so bad in itself, as I was just going to do the front lawn. I then discovered that my lawn mower is a MONSTER and requires at least 10 oxen to push it. THEN I realized there is supposed to be a bag in the back to catch the grass. No bag. So, I finished the front lawn FINALLY, but then when I needed to trim a little discovered the trimmers are about as sharp as jello. So, it looks a little ragged now. But we raked and swept and Tommy pulled up the really long pieces, then we cleaned off the porch and swept it. And while I was mowing, Tommy cleaned the kitchen and the living room WITHOUT BEING ASKED. This day must be marked on the calendar!!!! So in about 30 minutes I will start dinner and do some laundry. I feel as though I actually got something accomplished today.

I went outside to call my dogs in (we have 2, a female lab and a male lab/cocker mix) and they were playing. Have you ever watched two dogs play? They were both grinning and running around like fools, tails in the air. They were so happy and silly it made me smile. I have been trying to go out watch them for a little while every day. It really picks me up. Silly dogs.

I haven't been here in a long time, but I've been reading every day. Sid somehow managed to find my journal and read some not very flattering things about himself and we had a BIG fight about it. His feelings were hurt that I didn't tell HIM how I was feeling, but came here and told "strangers." So, I left it alone for a while. I didn't mean to hurt him, but sometimes things can be made worse by talking about them.

So, a long update, for anyone who cares:

Tommy will be going back to school this year. We tried the homeschool thing the second half of last year, because of his IBS, but it was a disaster. He was either fighting me about it or in pain, so we got nothing done. The poor child is going into 5th grade (FIFTH GRADE, I can't stand it!! My baby!!!!) and can't write cursive yet. I'm not sure he even has the motor coordination to do it yet; if he does, he just got it. I do believe they push kids too hard with that. Especially boys; their fine motor skills tend to go slower than girls. Anyway, he is very excited about school, plus we are going to be doing lots of activities. He is going to do Fall (base)Ball this year, start Karate, and take some gymnastic classes. It will be busy, but I think he needs to keep busy and active. That way he has something to distract him from his stomach. Speaking of his stomach, we took Tommy to a Pediatric gastroenterologist at Children's Hospital in DC. Lo and behold, he told us he doesn't think Tommy has IBS!!!!!! He said IBS is diagnosed by a "CHANGE" in bowel habits. WARNING: the next few sentences are about bowel habits, so either stop reading or prepare yourself! Anyway, Tommy has not had a change in his bowel habits, he has been constipated his entire life, like many people on the maternal side of his family. Okay, gross part over. That wasn't too bad, was it?? Anway, Tommy has been diagnosed with Acquired Megacolon secondary to Chronic Constipation. Which means (okay, a little more gross stuff) that as a result of about 10 years of constipation, his colon has distended and lost some sensation. His colon can't always tell when he needs to go to the bathroom, even though it is fuller than it should be. Hence, he is always full. I always told him he was full of shit. LOL Not really, he's only 10. SO, we do not have the IBS diagnosis hanging over our heads, which is a live-long syndrome and something no one can really do anything about. We just have to get his colon shrunk down to normal size and keep him regular, all of which could take up to two years!!! Needless to say, we all feel we have a new lease on life. Tommy, even though he still has pain, deals with it much better, knowing that eventually it WILL go away. And I believe I am seeing an improvement in his pain the last few days, but I am not holding my breath too much. His pain is frequently cyclical in nature, seems like it's on two weeks, off two weeks, so who knows. But now I at least feel he will be able to lead a normal life. I got in touch with this wonderful doctor through a fellow nurse at the hospital where I work. God sent us a miracle through Leigh Ann, and it was Dr. Kerzner. AND about Dr. Kerzner, he spent an HOUR with us in his office, not to mention the 15-20 minutes he spent with me on the phone for free before we ever saw him. I have TWICE taken Tommy to UVA in Charlottesville, a two hour trip, and both times saw the docs MAYBE for 10 minutes. So of course, I love Dr. Kerzner. He has literally saved our lives.

In other good news, Sid and I are getting along much better. Looking back, I think part of our trouble was that we have had extra people here since last Christmas. First it was my brother and his two girlfriends, then it was my brother and one girlfriend, then it was just my brother. That was very stressful. John just has no clue how to act, even at 21 and it caused problems. I didn't want to kick him out because regardless, he is my brother and I don't want him on the streets. (Although that is probably where he belongs!) So Sid and I were constantly fighting over that. Then the stress of Tommy being sick was bad, we both dealt with it differently and became angry at each other for not understanding our behaviour. Sid was drinking a lot, but he has not had anything to drink since February, which has helped tremendously. I am not mad at him all the time for being drunk. That was a biggie, no doubt. All in all, I feel like I have my husband and best friend back. We actually had a night to ourselved last Sunday night. My brother is out, my stepkids went back to Florida after 2 months and Tommy was at his best friends house for the weekend. Sid and I had really lost sight of each other, and what we once were to each other. AND we were able to have sex without worrying about anyone hearing us. THAT was great!!! We decided that once a month we will send Tommy to my parents house for a night so we can have some "us" time. Sounds corny I know, but we have realized it is very important to our relationship.

My mother is in rehab as I am typing this. Her drinking had become uncontrollable and I was unable to be around her anymore, it was disgusting. I told my father on a Tuesday that he was welcome at my house whenever he wanted to come, but we would no longer be coming to his house because of her. I know it hurt him terribly, he said I was abandoning him, but he understood. Being around my mother when she is drunk, which was always, makes me physically and mentally sick and I just couldn't do it anymore. She is mean to her grandkids and to my father and her mother and no one will say anything to her, so I just decided to stay away. The day after I told my father that was his birthday and she ruined it by being drunk and hiding in the den during his birthday party (which I did not attend.) The next day she decided to get help and of course called me. So, I took her to the local mental health clinic, then to the hospital to be medically cleared then drove her and my father about an hour and a half away to a detox center. The really sad thing is my mother was terribly depressed and sick, she cried and cried, and I felt nothing at all. The only reason I went was for my father cause I knew he couldn't handle it all by himself. For her, I actually felt she deserved it. That is awful I know, but I didn't really care about how bad she felt. I just can't help it. She has used up all my feelings for her. Maybe if she is sober for a while it will change, but I don't know. This weekend I have to go visit her. UGH.

Generally, things are good for me right now. I LOVE my job, most days anyway, Sid and I are good, and Tommy is getting better. Sid is now the campaign manager for a local guy running for state senate, so he is so happy he can't stand it. A man needs to have a job he feels good about and after a couple of years, Sid finally does. I just wish it made a little more money, but in the long run it may, and it will also be a great boost to Sid's career, so I won't complain. I am just happy he is happy. I know I sound very pollyanna today, but today is good. Tomorrow, who knows? So I will enjoy it while I have it. One of my patients, a very young 53 year old man with 3 boys ages 11, 10, and 7, was diagnosed last week with metastatic abd. cancer. No one had a CLUE that's what it was and everyone was floored afterwards, including the nurses and doctors. I cried the entire day after his surgery, and everyone else who took care of this family did, too. They have had their lives turned upside down in a matter of days, he really doesn't have much longer to live, and there isn't much that can be done. This man doesn't smoke, eats well, and exercises, plus he's a very spiritual man. There is NOTHING that should have caused this tragedy, yet there it is. It really brought into focus how tenuous our lives really are and how each day should be appreciated and each person in our lives should be appreciated as the gifts they are. Hokey, yes, but true.

I will now step down off my soapbox. :)

Here I am working nights again. It was insane when I got here, but pretty Q**** right now. (Don't DARE say the Q word!) All my patients are asleep, some with the help of chemicals!!! heehee So, I thought I'd just put a quick entry in here as I haven't been here in a while.

We went to Appleby's today and I got a Bahama Mama. It's been quite a while since I have had anything to drink and on top of that I drank it on an empty stomach! dumb So, I got buzzed pretty fast, Sid thought it was pretty funny. Not so funny was I didn't feel too great coming home and slept all the way. (About an hour drive.) I got home and laid down for a bit then got up. At 7pm work called and wanted me RIGHT THEN, so here I am. I am getting call pay which is time and a half for the first 5 hours and double time after that, so I can't complain! ka-CHING!!!!

The entire bipolar relationship that constitutes my marriage drives me nuts. Sid and I had a long talk Saturday (when I was SUPPOSED to be sleeping!) about things and we seemed to have evened out a little. He knows he gets a little carried away sometimes and that he has anger issues. BUT he gets angry at me when he feels he has to go through me to discipline Tommy, which is understandable. Part of me thinks that Tommy is this delicate little angel that never does anything wrong and should never, ever be disciplined in any way. Obviously that is not true. And when I step back and look at things through the least biased eye I can manage, I see that Tommy DOES need some type of discipline, all kids do.

I have gotten so caught up in his IBS that I'm afraid to upset him in case it makes his stomach worse. So now, he basically does what he wants. He's a GOOD kid and helps around the house and is a pleasure to have around. But he goes to bed when he wants to, watches TV as late as he wants to, I've even backed off the homeschooling to an extent because he gets all worked up about it. So, I know some of this is my fault. Sid feels that he has to go overboard to make up for my lack of discipline and I feel I have to go overboard the OTHER way to make up for Sid's discipline and temper!!! ARGH We NEED some counseling.

On a bad note, I printed out growth charts at work and put Tommy on them. I is less than the 50th percentile for his height and less than the 25th percentile for his weight!!!! That doesn't mean much to anyone else but those of us who know Tommy, but he has ALWAYS been one of the tallest, if not the heaviest (he's always been skinny) kids in his class. He was long when he was born and until recently has always been at least in the 50-75 percentile range. So, now I see he has even really slowed in growth.

That's another thing Sid and I talked about. I have felt for so long that he has not believed Tommy, that he thinks this is all a made up thing for attention and to control me. I think it might have been that way in the beginning. But now, he says it's very easy to see what is happening and when we talked about Tommy, Sid got choked up! Being a man, he has gone the opposite way I have gone and has tried to be in denial, while I have immersed myself in it. Neither approach is very healthy, I'm sure. But we really talked about it and he feels I am pushing him away and I don't want him to have anything to do with Tommy's illness. But I thought he just didn't believe it! So, Tommy's next appointment with find both his parents there, demanding the doc do something. I am going to take Tommy to Children's Hospital, but I want to do it with my doc's blessing, as she is MY doc and I work with her at the hospital. But, I do feel very relieved to finally feel that Sid and I are on the same page with this. A chronically ill child is definitely a strain on a family.

Okay, enough for now. It seems like all I talk about these days is Tommy, everything is centered around him. Maybe that in itself is a problem, but I don't know what choice I have.

Oh yeah, Sid and I are getting along pretty well right now. By his comments, I can tell I have made him very uncertain about our relationship and where he stands. Apparently I don't hide my emotions as well as I thought. I don't want him to feel uneasy, and I really DON'T want to leave him, I just don't want to be miserable. But truthfully, I have to admit that running away from him won't solve my problems because I know that I am a part of the problem as well. And now that I know we are together when it comes to Tommy, it feels good to have a partner in this.

AND I am TIRED from work last night. I slept about 4 hours then got up, but I bet I sleep good tonight. Sid rented Training Day. I really want to see it and hope I can stay up for it!!!!

Jeepers creepers. It is 330a.m. and I am at work. ALL my patients are asleep and I am so sleepy I can hardly stand it!!!! ACK! I LOVE to work nights, love the people, but I can't take this. I NEED TO SLEEP!!!!

Last night and today have not been helpful to my husband. He was SO mean to Tommy last night. We had all gone to bed and Tommy called up that he wanted to show us something with his lava lamp. I said okay and he brought it upstairs. Sid didn't like that I agreed in the first place, so he was already mad. Tommy came up and was showing us his lamp, in the process, he dropped the top of it, nothing happened, not a big deal. Sid still hadn't said anything. Then Tommy started swirling the lamp around a little. Well, Sid asked him what he had told him about the lava lamp. Not yelling, but real mean. Tommy couldn't remember, and Sid started getting REALLY ugly. Just mean, his tone of voice, and poor Tommy had just been excited about some shape in his lamp. He started to get teary, I could see it, how hurt his feelings are, but he didn't dare cry in front of Sid. That would have made things worse. So I just told him it was time for bed and gave him a kiss. Then Sid had the nerve to ask where HIS kiss was. So Tommy gave him a hug and said goodnight. I went down later and he was crying of course. I just kissed him and said I was sorry and goodnight. I was so mad at Sid. There was certainly a loving way to send Tommy back to bed and look at his lamp, even to correct him about shaking the lamp. But he has to be so damn mean. He is so jealous of Tommy and my love for him.

Now, today, he is in his office pissed off because he thinks Tommy wants ME to help him and ME to fix him breakfast but not Sid. So, he is being ugly again. He is always on the look out for injustice directed towards him. He always thinks people are being mean to him or treating him badly.

This has made me realize that I really don't have many feelings for him, definitely not what a wife should feel for her husband. But, I am stuck, and Tommy is stuck. If he knew that I really blame him for Tommy's IBS, he would be shocked and pissed. Because instead of thinking, wow, what have I done to help make this situation bad, he would just seem someone being mean to him. God, I really dislike him right now.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<br \>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<img src="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/criminal/imeldamarcos.jpg" title="I am Imelda Marcos."><br \><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/criminal/">Which Evil Criminal are <i>You</i>?</a>